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[Aug. 19th, 2009|02:27 pm] |
Lately, I have been fucking up a lot more, and I know I have. Now that I have a lot of time to sit around in silence and think. I've made some choices I can easily fix, but also some that might have made me lose some people I just will NOT live with out. I can't and won't do it. Everyone keep talking about how everyone is having a rough patch, this feels like a never ending rough patch. One bad thing after another, I have no faith in karma anymore. Fuck it.
P.s. I'm crazy about a boy who's 2,000 miles away from me, I barely speak to, and I only have a weeks full of memories involving him. Every other thought in my head is about him. FML. |
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[May. 26th, 2009|07:22 am] |
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| |  loved | ] |
I am still here! haha, I never have the time to update because my computer doesn't like to stay on long enough for me to surf the web. Just some stuff that's been going on. It's been 11 months and 3 days since my dad's been gone and it's still not easy. I have a new addition to my little family, Brooklyn, He's 26 days old today. And then there's my boyfriend Bobby, sweetest guy I've ever met. Life is pretty sick right now. :)
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[Nov. 22nd, 2008|11:56 pm] |
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| | In loooove. | ] |
You're looking at the new Online Sales Consultant for ND Extent. I have so much going for me right now. I have amazing friends and roommates. The cutest little boy. And a great boy. Nothing could bring me down... My classes make me fall asleep but I have learned a lot about shape and designs.
Also, I love how people think they are better than everyone else when they are obviously trash. Always will be, I'm so happy I'm growing up and leaving the old behind me.
My uncle passed away a few days ago, and I have a spa day planned for my mom and I for her birthday. I think we both really need this. My mom even hinted that If I pay off the rest of this morgage on the house, It'll be mine. I'm set. I couldn't be happier. |
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[Oct. 29th, 2008|10:46 pm] |
I'm moving this weekend and I couldn't be more excited! Two of my best girls and a huge house. Oh gosh. Haha. Well things are going well, I have this sweet job that I'm making some pretty dope money at. I am really looking forward to this weekend. I got a new puppy, His name is Bentley Cash, He's absolutly adorable, I fell in love with him first thing. Kayla got his sister and she named her Kora.
Bentley :)
Kora :)
Bentley and Kora.
Life is amazing. |
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[Oct. 1st, 2008|10:30 pm] |
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I really want to be with you. |
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[Sep. 29th, 2008|10:24 pm] |
What makes people tick? I was thinking about that today, because I am pretty positive I've lost my mind. And I'm not just saying that. I ask myself out loud why people tick, Why do people feel they are so much better than everyone that they can treat you like shit and just feel like it's okay. "If you can't play nice, don't play at all." Honestly that is the way to go. If you can't treat someone the way you want to be treated why do you deserve to get things like everyone else? It boggles me. I just don't get people anymore.
I also think I've lost my mind because, I talk to myself a lot, and not little amounts. I have full on conversations with myself sometimes because I can, and I know I can say what ever and only I can make fun of my self for being a complete loony. I probably should see a doctor, but I can't for another two weeks, Ha.
I think I am also losing faith in Karma. No matter how many good deeds I do, nothing good leads up to these deeds. I am not doing them because I think, "Oh a good thing will happen to me because of this." I do them because it brings joy to people. I do things for everyone else because it makes them happy, and I don't do them because I "have" to, I do them because it makes me happy knowing I bring that person, or persons happiness for that short time. I am way to selfless for my own good. I think that is my biggest problem, and fear. I'm going to do everything for everyone else til I'm worn out and can't do it anymore.
Also, I believe the church CCV is a cult. I am not trying to disrespect God in any way shape or form but I really do believe this. I went there for a few months and I remember one pastor said this, "God want's you to give 10% of your earnings to him. So, if you make say, 250,000$ a year, then you must give god 25,000$ in return." That's not a direct quote but it's damn near close. If I make 250,000 a year I don't want to give it up to a church because they say god will only love me because of that. I'm pretty sure in the bible it says if you love god, he will reward you. Not, If you love god enough give him your money, and then he will pass his love to you. It doesn't make sense to me. God loves you regardless, No matter what you look like, how you dress, if you smoke, if you make bad choices, HE LOVES YOU. I think a lot lately and I'm driving myself up a wall.
I think sometimes I make my self feel an emotion because most of the time I don't have one. Being bored isn't an emotion, or I don't believe it's one. I'm either happy or sad. Lately it's been leaning more toward sad, If I'm happy and have something constantly making me happy I filter out anything that makes me sad. And for the past few years I actually have been depending on people to keep me happy, because I don't know how to make myself happy besides spending lots of money that I don't have on things I really don't need. I don't think that's right but I do it anyways. I really need something good to come along, with all these people coming in and out of my life I just need someone who won't break my heart for a change, cause I don't like how it feels and I don't like thinking about how happy I was with someone I thought I knew but really didn't. I have so much on my mind, I wish it would go away.
This is long, I really don't expect anyone to read all of it. So Good night. |
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| I don't think anyone really reads this. |
[Sep. 28th, 2008|11:55 pm] |
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I am so...I don't even know the words to explain it. I'm going back to Chicago in a few weeks. I just need the other half. I can't wait to see Kevin, Dan, Mike, and the rest of the boys. |
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[Sep. 21st, 2008|11:05 pm] |
When you lose the most important person in your life, and you fail to really realise it when you really need them is the shittyest feeling. I thought of a bunch of stuff to tell my dad and I got really excited because I know he'd be proud, and then think that I can't tell him really hit me hard. I could tell him anything and I know he would have some story to back it up and it's just really hard to know that I can't get those stories anymore.
I don't know what to do. Lately I've been having all these weird feelings and I don't know how to handle them. I know I should try to find a way but it's difficult. This weekend was basically a bust. Nothing really amazing happened, I laughed a lot but other then that I don't know what made me happy.
I don't want to be struggling with money anymore. I want everything to be perfect like it used to be when I never had to worry about it. I'm not "struggling" there are just times when I wish I had more money to give my mom, because I know she really needs it more than I do. I want to get back into school. I just need good timing to actually get back into it. Mehh. |
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[Sep. 1st, 2008|02:28 am] |
A few things you should know about me.
My full name is Donnae Shalon Hawkins. I've never seen snow, in 19 years of living. I have many best friends but very few loyal friends. I constantly set myself up to be heartbroken. I am a flirt, I tend to make people think I'm interested, when I'm not. I am high in confidence, but I'm not self centered. I hide my emotions well, unless you know me better. I don't allow myself to get attached to anything because I know they are only temporary. I also fill my life with meaningless people just to pass the time. I am a sucker for acoustic covers. I am just another girl in the world who just doesn't care about anything anymore.
I want to go home. I am done here. :(
One bad thing after another, some things never change. |
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