donnaesian

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 21:36:11 GMT

Lately, I have been fucking up a lot more, and I know I have. Now that I have a lot of time to sit around in silence and think. I've made some choices I can easily fix, but also some that might have made me lose some people I just will NOT live with out. I can't and won't do it. Everyone keep talking about how everyone is having a rough patch, this feels like a never ending rough patch. One bad thing after another, I have no faith in karma anymore. Fuck it.

P.s. I'm crazy about a boy who's 2,000 miles away from me, I barely speak to, and I only have a weeks full of memories involving him. Every other thought in my head is about him. FML.

Tue, 26 May 2009 14:25:02 GMT

I am still here! haha, I never have the time to update because my computer doesn't like to stay on long enough for me to surf the web. Just some stuff that's been going on. It's been 11 months and 3 days since my dad's been gone and it's still not easy. I have a new addition to my little family, Brooklyn, He's 26 days old today. And then there's my boyfriend Bobby, sweetest guy I've ever met. Life is pretty sick right now. :)

I haven't updated in forever.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:08:30 GMT

Hi, I'm still here. Lol.

I'm pretty happy for once.

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 07:02:12 GMT

You're looking at the new Online Sales Consultant for ND Extent. I have so much going for me right now. I have amazing friends and roommates. The cutest little boy. And a great boy. Nothing could bring me down... My classes make me fall asleep but I have learned a lot about shape and designs.

Also, I love how people think they are better than everyone else when they are obviously trash. Always will be, I'm so happy I'm growing up and leaving the old behind me.

My uncle passed away a few days ago, and I have a spa day planned for my mom and I for her birthday. I think we both really need this. My mom even hinted that If I pay off the rest of this morgage on the house, It'll be mine. I'm set. I couldn't be happier.

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 06:52:13 GMT

I'm moving this weekend and I couldn't be more excited! Two of my best girls and a huge house. Oh gosh. Haha. Well things are going well, I have this sweet job that I'm making some pretty dope money at. I am really looking forward to this weekend. I got a new puppy, His name is Bentley Cash, He's absolutly adorable, I fell in love with him first thing. Kayla got his sister and she named her Kora.

Bentley :)

Kora :)

Bentley and Kora.

Life is amazing.

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 06:30:49 GMT

I really want to be with you.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 06:42:10 GMT

What makes people tick? I was thinking about that today, because I am pretty positive I've lost my mind. And I'm not just saying that. I ask myself out loud why people tick, Why do people feel they are so much better than everyone that they can treat you like shit and just feel like it's okay. "If you can't play nice, don't play at all." Honestly that is the way to go. If you can't treat someone the way you want to be treated why do you deserve to get things like everyone else? It boggles me. I just don't get people anymore.

I also think I've lost my mind because, I talk to myself a lot, and not little amounts. I have full on conversations with myself sometimes because I can, and I know I can say what ever and only I can make fun of my self for being a complete loony. I probably should see a doctor, but I can't for another two weeks, Ha.

I think I am also losing faith in Karma. No matter how many good deeds I do, nothing good leads up to these deeds. I am not doing them because I think, "Oh a good thing will happen to me because of this." I do them because it brings joy to people. I do things for everyone else because it makes them happy, and I don't do them because I "have" to, I do them because it makes me happy knowing I bring that person, or persons happiness for that short time. I am way to selfless for my own good. I think that is my biggest problem, and fear. I'm going to do everything for everyone else til I'm worn out and can't do it anymore.

Also, I believe the church CCV is a cult. I am not trying to disrespect God in any way shape or form but I really do believe this. I went there for a few months and I remember one pastor said this, "God want's you to give 10% of your earnings to him. So, if you make say, 250,000$ a year, then you must give god 25,000$ in return." That's not a direct quote but it's damn near close. If I make 250,000 a year I don't want to give it up to a church because they say god will only love me because of that. I'm pretty sure in the bible it says if you love god, he will reward you. Not, If you love god enough give him your money, and then he will pass his love to you. It doesn't make sense to me. God loves you regardless, No matter what you look like, how you dress, if you smoke, if you make bad choices, HE LOVES YOU. I think a lot lately and I'm driving myself up a wall.

I think sometimes I make my self feel an emotion because most of the time I don't have one. Being bored isn't an emotion, or I don't believe it's one. I'm either happy or sad. Lately it's been leaning more toward sad, If I'm happy and have something constantly making me happy I filter out anything that makes me sad. And for the past few years I actually have been depending on people to keep me happy, because I don't know how to make myself happy besides spending lots of money that I don't have on things I really don't need. I don't think that's right but I do it anyways. I really need something good to come along, with all these people coming in and out of my life I just need someone who won't break my heart for a change, cause I don't like how it feels and I don't like thinking about how happy I was with someone I thought I knew but really didn't. I have so much on my mind, I wish it would go away.

This is long, I really don't expect anyone to read all of it. So Good night.

I don't think anyone really reads this.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 07:57:58 GMT

I am so...I don't even know the words to explain it. I'm going back to Chicago in a few weeks. I just need the other half. I can't wait to see Kevin, Dan, Mike, and the rest of the boys.

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 07:10:46 GMT

When you lose the most important person in your life, and you fail to really realise it when you really need them is the shittyest feeling. I thought of a bunch of stuff to tell my dad and I got really excited because I know he'd be proud, and then think that I can't tell him really hit me hard. I could tell him anything and I know he would have some story to back it up and it's just really hard to know that I can't get those stories anymore.

I don't know what to do. Lately I've been having all these weird feelings and I don't know how to handle them. I know I should try to find a way but it's difficult. This weekend was basically a bust. Nothing really amazing happened, I laughed a lot but other then that I don't know what made me happy.

I don't want to be struggling with money anymore. I want everything to be perfect like it used to be when I never had to worry about it. I'm not "struggling" there are just times when I wish I had more money to give my mom, because I know she really needs it more than I do. I want to get back into school. I just need good timing to actually get back into it. Mehh.

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 10:45:07 GMT

A few things you should know about me.

My full name is Donnae Shalon Hawkins. I've never seen snow, in 19 years of living. I have many best friends but very few loyal friends. I constantly set myself up to be heartbroken. I am a flirt, I tend to make people think I'm interested, when I'm not. I am high in confidence, but I'm not self centered. I hide my emotions well, unless you know me better. I don't allow myself to get attached to anything because I know they are only temporary. I also fill my life with meaningless people just to pass the time. I am a sucker for acoustic covers. I am just another girl in the world who just doesn't care about anything anymore.

I want to go home. I am done here. :(
One bad thing after another, some things never change.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:59:58 GMT

My aunt passed away yesterday morning, I got a call from my mom and my other aunt in california. I don't think anything is going to get easier for me any time soon. I think I shouldn't go for thing anymore, that way I won't be dissappointed when I can't have them. I'm tired of getting ahead of myself, I hate this I need a trip home soon, running away for a weekend to see some good people wouldn't be such a bad thing.

My new job is going well, I like it, but I get tired really easily. Doesn't help that I go to work tired everyday because I barely sleep. Other then that It's a good job, I plan to stay for a long time.

God, Bless my family please.

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 07:19:08 GMT

I've been writing a lot more lately, I am guessing because I have a lot to say and too scared to say it out loud sometimes. I really never thought I could love as many people as I do. I have the most amazing people who surround me on a daily basis and I am very very blessed to have those people stick around for such a long time. I miss some of them because we don't hang out as much but I do love them just as much. I love spending night talking to one of your closest friends, luckily for me it was my best friend. I really don't know what I would do with out her, I don't think I would be the person I am today if it wasn't for her. I honestly think about it sometimes and I'm positive if she didn't help me through majority of the situations I've been in, I wouldn't be here at all. Trust is my biggest issue, always has been. Having the trust and bond I have with her is irreplaceable. I basically tell her everything, and I held somethings back but today I really spilled myself to her and let her know exactly what was going on in my head.

I know that I am very scrambled, so many things I think of just blend together and it 'causes my mind to over load with too many thoughts to process at one time. Usually causes me to panic and freak out and sometimes just break down. I'm trying to think a lot less about things that are in the past and never mattered too much to me. I'm hoping that will help a little bit. I still have the worst trust issue with people. It seems like no matter what lengths I go to, I seem to fail. I try to understand why people think or do the actions they do, and I never can give my self an answer. I don't understand sometimes how people can hurt others so easily with out any feelings and/or remorse, that is why my trust is so low. I put trust into people and they have the power to use it against me. I don't want anyone to have that effect on me, so I let few people in so no one will hurt me as bad again. It's just the way I see it.

Everything gets really tricky to me. And the things that make me so happy, usually backfire on me and I never see it coming, not even from a mile away. I don't want to set myself up anymore, or have to much faith in something only for it to go away and leave me unhappy and miserable. I'll take my chance on something if it seems solid. Right now I'm hoping for something solid so I know I have something sterdy to fall back onto.

I'm tired. I have a new job, I'm my aunts personal assistant. It's going to be pretty dope.

Good night. God bless.

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 20:55:23 GMT

I want to runaway, but I can't always run from my problems. I've been doing that all of my life, one thing happens I run to another state or dissappear for months. I know it's bad, but I hate being in Arizona sometimes. This is a bad luck state, only thing good to come from it were my friends, everything else is pointless. I want to go home, but I have no way. I was there a month ago, you'd think that I wouldn't miss it this fast but I do, and I don't know what to do. There are some days that I want to pack my things and move there, for a more permanent change but, It never works out the way I'd like. I need my friends, I don't know how I'd survive with out them. I know that I've done some bad things, and I've fucked up a lot, and I always promised I wouldn't let that happen again, and I won't.

I walked the streets with Brandi last night, I don't know how many times that girl has delt with me through out all my drama with Trent, and still she is able to help me. No matter when. Well we talked about so much last night I didn't end up leaving til late. We washed her car and we talked more then cleaning her car, literally took us an hour just to get soap in a bucket. Haha. I love that girl so freaking much.

My bitch rant.

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:31:29 GMT

A lot of girls on myspace are hypocrites or just plain bugging me more and more lately. I keep hearing people bitchin' about other people posting bulletins about their day, and saying that they don't care about what anyone else did during day. Well, when you post a bulletin of the things you did during the day, why should anyone else care when you obviously don't care about anyone else but yourself. Smarten up a bit before you speak.

Also, I've been hearing quite a few girls who are saying that guys only go for them because their bodies. Well, If you don't take provocative photos or clothes that show off your ass and tits, maybe they wouldn't see you in one way you show yourself. I'm just saying, stay classy and maybe a good guy will actually come your direction instead of these man whores.

That's basically it, and P.s. this is not towards anyone in particular, so no one get big headed about this.

Any who, My weekend has been good. My mom took a bunch of my belongings away to try and teach me a lesson, but I haven't been home majority of the weekend so whatev. I hate how bad my job treats me with hours, I asked for a lot and they don't give me shit. They haven't even put me on payroll yet, which is even more irritating. I like this boy, He treats me really well and makes me smile even more. Its been two months since my dads been gone, it really sucks. :[ I'm going to go see him today though.

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 02:10:26 GMT

If you love someone you don't cheat on them with dozens of girls, when you say your out doing what I thought you loved most, riding. You're a piece of shit I'm glad your out of my life, I'm sad to say that love made me blind to what you really were. I truely understand what the meaning of being played is first hand. I hope some day soon you'll understand that life isn't always going to be a party. And after a year of hearing you say you wont live past 25, I hope what you want comes true. I kept you in my prayers for so long that there is no hope for you, There is only hope in those who have faith and you have nothing of the sort. I've been blessed that you are no longer what I look forward to in the morning, or the last thing I think about at night. All I can do is pray that I never see you ever again.

Love makes you blind, I obviously let that consume me way too much.

I suppose I fell to fast and trusted to easily. That part of this was my fault. I hate when I have a feeling in my gut to leave and I don't listen, even to myself. I did everything I could and more to try to stay happy and it never worked. I am happyer now, so much more then I could have ever thought of in the past year. I'm glad I finally found peace of mind. I've been hanging out with my closest girl friends a lot more, I haven't been so excited to see them in so long. I didn't think they would still want to be friends with me after all the shit I've done to fuck up our relationship but they still accepted me. I couldn't be more thankful.

I'm outta here. God bless.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:39:31 GMT

I love my life.

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 07:02:25 GMT

I don't think I really completely understood what amazing friends I have. I looked through some boxes tonight with Kayla, and I had the biggest grin on my face. It brought out some old inside jokes that we can't even remember what they were but they made me laugh so hard. I couldn't be more bless with the friends I have. I have the most amazing best friends alive. Kayla, Christine, Nadine, Jorge, Kevin, Mariah, & Raechel...I don't know where I would be with out them.

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:32:55 GMT

I miss waking up and going outside to see nothing but green, sleeping in walmart parking lots and drinking a capri sun, shopping with the boys at urban outfitters, running down downtown colorado to the mall with Christine, Matt and Rob. Not being able to stay in the hotel for more then five minutes and ending up at Kinkos. I miss being able to find bubble tea with out having to drive a million miles to get it. I miss looking for malls to just go to, just to pass time and play guitar hero only to be kicked off by Matthew. I miss falling asleep with people surrounding me.

I went on another drive tonight, I was upset, I'll admit that. I hate when I try so hard to get over things and I finally feel somewhat free from it only to comeback and bite me in the ass again. I have every right to still be angry and hurt. But I'm not as hurt as I used to be. I keep a diary with me every where I go just to write down prayers, as corny as it sounds. I found mine from last year. When all the problems really started happening. The first entry really made me think.

"So I only write in this because I can't say these things out loud, or I really have no need to tell anyone but myself. I've been doing a lot of thinking since the boys moved in,which was October 30th, 2007. I remember because Trent and I got back together the day after he broke up with me again, for the second time. I thinka bout it and what if I never got back with him? Took him back and accepted him? Would I be happy? I think about what if I had made him prove to me that he actually wants this to work. I already three times tonight had to ask him to be affectionate, I thought he would notice me glaring at all the happy couples, hoding hands...He was too busy on his sidekick to notice I was there. I really miss having a sidekick because it was like I always had Christine there by my side even though she really wasn't, no matter where I was Work, or sleeping or driving. I knew she was right there. All I had to say was "sigh" and she knew automatically what was wrong.

Who you marry determines 90% of your happiness for the rest of your life. If I married him, I wouldn't ever be happy. Maybe I shouldn't have taken him back, maybe I made another mistake? "

I wrote that on November 5th, 2007. I feel like a complete idiot. I should have seen this coming a lonnng time ago. I am so much happier now, I have all my friends back, I missed them so much. I have a awesome job, I won't fuck it up, and I met a interesting boy, who makes me smile a lot which adds to everything else feeling like it's getting better. I have some things I really wish I could change, but it'll take time.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:09:57 GMT

I've got a lot more common sense now. I took a drive tonight, at two thiry in the morning, just to my mountain to have a cig and think. I think a lot more now, about all the things in the past year I missed out on. All the parties, and get togethers and it makes me sad I couldn't be there. I should have done the damn thing months ago, I hate being alone, that's my biggest problem, too bad I'm not alone and never have been.

I miss my dad. I really wish he was here, I can't go a day with out wondering what he wanted me to do with my life, his opinion always mattered the most to me and to not know it or have it anymore sucks. I know that all he wanted me to be was happy. I just wish I had a little more time. I love you daddy.

I'm not sure what I would do without you.

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 17:51:06 GMT

So, Last night Kayla and I ended up hanging out at the hooka bar talking, just us like the old days. I always told myself if I could fix the stupid things I did, I would in a heart beat, I don't get why people who don't understand have to be lame about it. I feel like a fucking idiot for letting Trent get in the way of our friendship, so I'm going to try to never let a guy get in the way again. We went to Jorges party last night, haha best time ever. I saw so many people I haven't seen since graduation, It was amazing.

Pictures from last night and Midwest under cut :)

First thing I see as soon as I get off the plane.

Missouri

Denver, Colorado

Joplin, missouri

Kansas city, missouri

Selena, Kasas. Worst mall ever. Look how happy rob looks!

That's what happens when you don't answer your phone when I'm in your cittty. :-p

I agree with my sister on this one,
- we shouldn't be allowed in Vegas
- I now have a strong hate for Johnny Rockets
- little girls are retarded and walk off after their shoe falls off without noticing

Denverr

Theres a hooker in the background of this picture but you can only see her legs.

Hell yeah!

JOooeee!

Jorges!

& DAHLIA!

I'm back..

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 09:49:03 GMT

So, This past week has been pretty awesome. I'm happy to be back in Arizona, but I had some wicked fun times in the midwest. I def miss everyone out there. I came back to some pretty bad news, but it's over and done with, next chapter in my life.

Kayla, Kayla, Kayla...What would I do with out her? I honestly have no idea, I wouldn't be here that's for sure. I don't think anyone could ever understand the bond I have with her. I promised myself, I won't get involved with anyone til she says their good for me, because I can't pick guys to save my life.

Tonight I read journal entries as far back as 2004, I was a stupid child. I'm okay admitting that.

I have a messed up sleeping pattern now, it's retarded. I can't sleep at night but during the day I sleep fine. My mom always freaks out about it, even though I still get her work done for her. She is still having with drawls from missing my dad, she thinks she sees him walking around the house. Sometimes she scares the shit out of me.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 23:41:07 GMT

I would love to point out to all these people who judge other people and let me quote, "I believe that if you do drugs/smoke/are alcoholic, it means that god, if he excists, does not like you and he is trying to kill you slowly." If you don't believe in god, don't assume. God doesn't care what you do, what you look like, how you dress or anything, he loves you for you. Some people need to understand the whole point around the religion before you nit pick it.

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:57:17 GMT

I'm single, Yeah. I'm never going to make that mistake again.

I might as well let it out. I hated when you helped me with all those bad decisions, when you should have stoped me. I hate the way you ignore me when your with you friends. I hate that you never cared that I did everything for you. I hate how you made me cry, and never apologized once. I hate you for all the guilt you made me have for you're stubborn actions. I hope I never see you, ever again. I hate how you took me away from my friends, and I barely got to see them. I hate that I loved you for so long, and it never meant shit to you. Next chapter in my life, please.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:12:01 GMT

hey I'm in missouri, til friday... Then chicago.

So far so good, Except now I hate planes, and Wendy's my two favorite things are now shattered.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 16:14:19 GMT

Bye Arizona..Maybe I'll come back.
Hello sweet home.